haxx0rgunman: legacy of virtue

haxx0r gunman was rudely awakened early one morning by the sound of someone banging on his life-support chamber door. He knew that opening the door would give any would-be assassins just the split-second advantage they needed. haxx0r gunman wasn't about to give them that. So, in an ancient technique passed down from generation to generation of Shaolin Monks, he spoke in a voice that penetrated solid objects. With such a voice, he could communicate easily and safely with whoever was standing outside his door.

"Greetings, stranger, I am haxx0r gunman. This door that you have chosen to bang upon is the entrance to my home, where I have been trying to sleep, and trying to think, something made difficult by the constant distraction of your pounding. So if you would be so kind, leave me to my rests and thoughts and I shall leave you to your life. Goodbye, stranger, perhaps in another life you and I would've been the best of friends. But for now, we are nothing."

To haxx0r gunman's near surprise, the man standing outside his door answered in his own wall-penetrating voice. "haxx0r gunman. I am K-RAQ from K-RAQ. I seek sanctuary."

haxx0r gunman was not omniscient. There was quite a good deal of information in the universe that he wasn't privy to, and he was the first to admit that. But somehow, through some miracle of the cosmos, he knew that this man, this K-RAQ from K-RAQ, was telling the truth. He breathed a quick sigh of relief and keyed the code that opened the door into a nearby control panel. The door wooshed open, and standing behind it was the man who called himself K-RAQ from K-RAQ. He could've been any man. He had no noticeably defining characteristics, just brown hair, brown eyes, and a height of about 6'1". He looked perfectly normal, but haxx0r gunman knew there was something special, something altogether inhuman, about this K-RAQ from K-RAQ.

"Tell me, so-called K-RAQ from K-RAQ, what do you seek sanctuary from? What is this K-RAQ of what you speak and why has it sent you here, to me?" haxx0r gunman sensed something important about this man, but at the same time he knew it was better to slowly wade into the ocean of trust, rather than diving in head-first from a high cliff. Such foolishness was how haxx0r gunmen got their skulls crushed.

"haxx0r gunman, I am K-RAQ from K-RAQ. K-RAQ is a collection of planets near Alpha Centauri. All life on these planets operates and functions as a single unit. That unit is K-RAQ. I am K-RAQ, they are K-RAQ, we are K-RAQ."

So . . . this K-RAQ is some sort of a collective conciousness. I haven't seen anything like that since that hive-mind on Rigalia 4. But 2x haxx0rbolts proved enough for that little conundrum. Perhaps the solution to this one is a bit more . . . complex?

"Well, in that case you are only a part of a greater whole. Not K-RAQ himself, but more like a simple body part, and extension of the body not completely representative of the whole. Am I correct?"

"Ah, so haxx0r gunman, your cleverness betrays your breed. If you were from K-RAQ, and not this bitter half-existence you call 'human,' you would no doubt work as the nerve center of the brain, plotting and mapping, but most importantly dreaming. Dreaming the dreams that even the great K-RAQ cannot understand. But alas, 'twas not meant to be, so I shall speak of it no longer."

"But K-RAQ from K-RAQ,what then is your purpose. It would seem that if I were to be K-RAQ's nerve center, than you must be his good faith, am I correct?"

K-RAQ from K-RAQ laughed a strange K-RAQian laugh, which sounded something like the songs of the harmony beatles from Gandalia 4. Then he wept. "No, though I appreciate the gesture, I am merely he who is known as the eye of K-RAQ. The one seer of all things K-RAQ."

At those words, haxx0r gunman laughed a laugh of his own, but it wasn't the laugh of a harmony beatle. No, it was much more like the deadly cry of the death beatles from Diealia 4. But, also not unlike the death beatles, haxx0r gunman chose to bide his time wisely before striking. "Well, I know as the eye of K-RAQ it is customary for you to only to see, but now I ask you to speak, and tell me more of this place, neigh, this existence you call K-RAQ."

haxx0r gunman and K-RAQ from K-RAQ spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon discussing all things K-RAQ. When they were finished, haxx0r gunman new enough about this K-RAQ. Enough for his systematically invariable mind to start formulating a devious plan. Knowing exactly what he must do, haxx0r gunman put his hand on K-RAQ from K-RAQ's shoulder. "K-RAQ from K-RAQ, my friend, you must take me to your home, to K-RAQ. Then, I will provide the sancutary you so desperately seek. The sanctuary you so desperately deserve." haxx0r gunman could tell that his words had moved the man. When he finally spoke his reply, it was no surprise. "haxx0r gunman, indeed you are K-RAQ's newest and most phallus friend. Working together, it is no doubt that we can defeat any foe. I salute you." A K-RAQian salute was one of the most noble things haxx0r gunman had ever seen.

When it was finished, he nodded solemnly, and led K-RAQ from K-RAQ to the astro-garage housing his impervious starcrusier, the oWnD 1. Once onboard, he began to show this strange visitor how to use the ship's onboard computer. It was slow at first. K-RAQ was a society without computers, virtually without any technology at all. It took him weeks to understand the most basic of concepts. But once he did, the rest came quickly. By the end of the month, he was ready to program a course for K-RAQ. Sure enough, when he was finished, the auto-pilot was set on a course for a small moon just off of Alpha Centauri. After making sure that the ship's hyper-turbines and duracells were fully charged, haxx0r gunman keyed in the final ignition code and the oWnD 1 blasted off into space.

The journey to Alpha Centauri was long and uneventful. At least until one night when they had completed almost three fourths of their voyage. haxx0r gunman heard a muffled voice from the sleeping quarters that K-RAQ from K-RAQ was using. Overriding the locks on the door, he burst into the room to find his guest talking in his sleep.

"No, the fire . . . it's burning . . . it's really hot . . . ow . . . " haxx0r gunman shook K-RAQ from K-RAQ until he regained conciousness.

"Eye of K-RAQ, you were calling out in your sleep. What visions of horror did you see? What premonitions were you granted in your dreams?"

But K-RAQ from K-RAQ just sighed and shook his head sadly. "If only I could be so blessed, for you see haxx0r gunman, K-RAQ has no dreams." haxx0r gunman had no choice but to gasp, and he did so quickly and sharply.

It is one thing to live without truth, for though it may be elusive, it is attainable someday, at what cost not even I know. But to live without dreams? To live without that which defines humanity itself? Truly this K-RAQ must be alone and sad. Or a monster.

Neither of them got any more sleep that night.

Within a few days, they had reached their destination, and haxx0r gunman brought the oWnD 1 down onto the surface of the moon and met with K-RAQ from K-RAQ in the ship's briefing room.

"So, this is your home? This is your K-RAQ? Why then do we stand alone and not surrounded by your brothers in K-RAQ? Why? Why!?"

But K-RAQ from K-RAQ smiled gently, remaining as cool and restrained as ever. "haxx0r gunman, they know not of my alliance with you. They are not expecting our arrival. We need only to go outside and greet them." haxx0r gunman eyed him suspiciously. "Very well, K-RAQ from K-RAQ, but I am offering you a feast of trust today. If you poison a single dish, then I shall force you to eat it!" The eye of K-RAQ merely nodded and then followed haxx0r gunman off of the ship and out onto the surface of the planet. They hadn't gotten far when they heard, not to mention felt, the loud, repetitive thudding, that got consistently louder and closer. haxx0r gunman shot an accusing glare at his companion, but he merely shrugged confusedly. That's when haxx0r gunman saw the source of the noise.

Stomping over a group of hills in the distancel was the ONE AND ONLY GODZILLA. haxx0r gunman could barely contain his amazement as the SAME GODZILLA SEEN IN COUNTLESS TOHO FILMS seemed to be coming right for him. He wasn't sure if even 2x haxx0rbolts would be enough for such a threat.

Curses! If only I had RODAN or MOTHRA here with me, I'd be sure to stand a chance. But now? A haxx0r gunman has never before stood against a god, not to mention a GODZILLA. Perhaps if I hurry I can get off a few 2x haxx0rbolts before . . .

haxx0r gunman's worst fears came true as he saw GODZILLA's back spikes illuminate with an incandescent blue glow, a telltale sign he was about to spew his radioactive fire-breath. Just as it seemed haxx0r gunman's time was up, a huge freight train began speeding by on a nearby railroad.

Unable to resist his most basic of instincts, GODZILLA rushed the train and tackled it, knocking it off the tracks and immobilizing it. He then began to straddle one of the cars, slowly thrusting his green, rubbery hips in and out, over and over. In a scene that both ingraciated and disgusted haxx0r gunman, it seemed that the ONE AND ONLY GODZILLA was copulating with an unsuspecting freight train. Disenchanted beyond belief, haxx0r gunman shook his head and fired a 2x haxx0rbolt directly into GODZILLA's brain, severing his central nervous system from itself, and killing him instantly. In a bitter twist of irony, GODZILLA died in the arms of the only one he'd ever truly loved.

haxx0r gunman, realizing that it had been a trap all along, turned around to dole out the justice that K-RAQ from K-RAQ had coming to him. haxx0r gunman was shocked to learn that he was nowhere to be found.

And he was even more shocked to learn that he missed the strange traveler with all his heart.