haxx0rgunman's workin' for the weekend


Lillian Sowa glanced around nervously. She was one of thirty of the United Interplantery Marines' new recruits, fresh out of bootcamp. They were onboard one of the UIM's luxurious shuttlecraft, en route to the moonbase orbiting Planet DOOM.

Planet DOOM had been known as the Dinosaur Planet, until the discovery of a twisted abomination of nature, a wretched creature half-man, half-fox, led it to be called Evil Planet, which lasted until a bizarre series of deaths which led to the planet's evacuation and abandonment, since which it was called Planet DOOM. Now only the UIM's moonbase remained to monitor the bizarre events that took place on the surface of the planet below.

Only, the UIM had just recently lost all contact with the moonbase for unknown reasons. And for their own unknown reasons, the UIM dispatched this team of rookies to investigate. The only one onboard the shuttle with any combat experience was the commanding officer, Sgt. James Burford.

The Sarge had earned quite a reputation with the new recruits before ever even meeting them. He was somewhat of a celebrity at boot camp, as stories of his rise in rank were commonly told in mess hall.

Burford had been a rookie private, just like the rest of them, stationed at the base on Alpha Centauri. Burford was one of the few green soldiers there, most had seen, and more importantly survived, a good amount of combat. But still, few were ready for the zergling rush.

Alpha Centauri winters were long, 400 years to be exact, so the marines weren't expecting to see very much Zerg activity. Yet the rush that came in the middle of a cold, hard night was strong and swift. The zerglings had penetrated the base's defenses and were inside the base before most of the marines had any idea of what was going on. After that, it was only a matter of hunting down the helpless humans, as they scrambled through the narrow corridors searching for weapons or anything to defend themselves with. But few made it far enough to find any weapons, and those who did were soon overtaken by the sheer number of zerglings as they swarmed the base.

Somehow, though, Burford, the last human alive at the base, was able to turn the tide against the countless enemies and save the base from being overtaken and defiled by the Zerg. How such an inexperienced marine could do what an entire platoon of battle-scarred men could not was a mystery to all but Burford himself. As the only surviving member of the platoon, Burford was instantly promoted and given a brand new group of rookies to replace his fallen comrades.

The marines onboard the shuttle were talking and laughing casually, confident that, under Burford's command, they could handle any trouble they might encounter. Burford himself didn't look so confident, but he didn't say anything either.

Lillian was the only woman aboard the ship, and her shapely form and come-hither stare made her an obvious target for whistles and cat-calls throughout boot camp. But the few recruits foolish enough to come near enough for her to reach were dead almost instantly. After seven such deaths, her fellow marines finally accepted the fact that they could look, but never touch.

And look they did. Throughout the voyage she had been casting venomous stares at privates she caught staring at her ample chest. Eventually she realized it was futile and just gave up, pretending not to notice all the prying eyes. Just as it seemed she could take no more, the computers voice whined on the speakers.

"Attention, marines. Attention, marines. We have arrived at Moonbase 45570457-B. Docking will commence in T-minus 60 seconds." Lillian let out a sigh of relief.

Finally, I can get out of this tight space-suit and into some nice bulky shield-armor. Maybe that'll get these perverts' eyes off me. Somehow, though, she didn't think it would.

Once they had docked and unloaded the shuttle, they formed into three squadrons and began a room-to-room sweep of the base. But they found no one, dead or alive. It was as if the marines stationed there had all just got up and left. Once they were confident the base was secure, the privates were all assigned sleeping quarters, two to a room. Lillian was relieved to find that she had been assigned a room to herself. It seemed that someone, somewhere, understood her plight.

She was just getting situated in her room, when the Sarge's familiar voice blared over the base's P.A. system. "Attention, all new recruits! This is your commanding officer, James Burford! I suggest you get some sleep, because we leave tomorrow at exactly 0500 for Planet DOOM!" The speaker clicked off, as did Lillian's lights. She took the hint and climbed into bed. It wasn't long at all until she was asleep.

She woke up early the next morning. Her chronometer showed that it was 0400, giving her a full hour to prepare for the day's excursion. Looking around the room, she was surprised to see none other than the Sarge himself, standing in the doorway.

"Sarge! Am I late, sir? My chrono reads it's only 0400." Burford smiled and shook his head.

"Please, call me James. You're not late, I was just thinking that it's never too early to admire a beautiful woman."

Lillian couldn't believe her ears. James Burford, the great war hero, was hitting on her. She had actually thought he might give her a little respect, but it seemed that she was just a pair of breasts and a tight buttocks to him as well. But she knew just how to deal with him.

"Oooh, alright, James. Could you come help me with something?" She batted her eyelashes innocnetly, and Burford's smile grew even wider. He approached the bed where she lay, but as soon as he was close enough her right leg shot out from under the covers. She moved almost faster than the human eye, and her foot made contact with the Sarge's swelling testicles, just as she had intended.

Burford's eyes rolled up into his head and his jaw dropped open. Then, one after another, the aforementioned testicles slid out of his mouth and splattered onto the ground, which he then fell to, dead. Lillian's only regret was that none of the other privates had been there to learn from this brutal act. After showering, she suited up in her shield-armor and joined her fellow marines on the shuttle down to Planet DOOM.

By 1200 that day, they were on the surface of Planet DOOM, hiking across a vast and expansive desert. The small air-conditioning units that standard UIM shield-armor were equipped with did little to combat the sweltering heat of the harsh DOOMian sun. The privates had been hiking for hours, and none were sure exactly where they were going. Yet still, they trudged on.

When it was nearly 1300, Lillian spotted something. It looked like a man, standing far off on the horizon. She zoomed her shield-armor's binocuscopes to 100x, and saw that indeed it was a man, just standing there, watching them.

She alerted the rest of the platoon, who then began making their way directly towards the man, who did not approach or run away, but simply stood there, watching. Within twenty minutes, they had reached him. Lillian was about to call out to him, but he spoke first.

"So, this is what the UIM is left to? Sending out untrained children, without even a commanding officer to guide them?" The marines were infuriated. A brash young rookie named Johnsonston shouted out.

"Children? CHILDREND!? Come on Marines! Let's show this 'man' what children can do!" With that, the marines drew their pulse rifles, and the man drew his own 2x haxx0rgun. Then both sides opened fire, and in that instant, a vicious sandstorm sprung up and blocked everyone's vision.

When the air cleared, it seemed that the marines had sustained no damage whatsoever. The man, however, was nowhere to be seen, most likely dead and buried under the sand. Just as they were about to begin celebrating their first victory, the marines began dropping to the ground, one by one, until they had all fallen, dead.

After the last had breathed his final breath, haxx0r gunman rose from the sand and brushed himself off. He then used his 2x haxx0rgun to scrawl a message into the sands.

Here lies the UIM's 31st Platoons. They were the soldiers of a forgotten regime, who fought not for freedom, not for justice, but for lack of alternatives. May they rest in peace now as in life they were commanded to never do.

As haxx0r gunman left, the wind began to blow once more over the dunes.

His messaged was erased forever.