when haxx0rgunmen fall upon deaf ears

haxx0r gunman could not believe his eyes. He was in what would seem to be a normal stone cave, most likely burrowed deep into the side of a mountain. Or it would, at least, if everything wasn't burning. Including him.

The pain and heat were intense, more intense than anything he'd felt in his entire life. But haxx0r gunman did not cry out, instead he thought.

What is this place, of fire and confusion? What is this place of my own incineration? Being a haxx0r gunman, he was surprised to find he could not recall how he had gotten there, or any other recent events leading up to this inferno for that matter. He was just about to stop, drop, and roll when the figure appeared before him.

It stood at least ten feet tall, with the hooves and head of a goat. Between its horns, a black candle burned brightly. Its bare chest was well endowed with breasts of a woman, and from its back sprouted the wings of a gigantic bat. haxx0r gunman had never seen it before, but he instantly knew what it was, or more precisely, who it was.

I am Baphomet, forgotten destructor, hatred's one true betrothed, and the lone forgiver. I have no time for the foolish formality of tongue-talk, so instead I speak directly into your mind.

haxx0r gunman could not believe his cyber-eyes. But at the time, they were all he had to go on, so he did. Baphomet, you say? Truly, you look the part, but for that to be true this would have to be haxx0r hell. My shadow makes for good protection in that respect.

Well look around you, haxx0r gunman. You yourself now burn with the eternal haxx0r hellfire. At long last you have met your demise, and I have your soul!

Never! With that final thought, haxx0r gunman drew his ever-present 2x haxx0rgun and fired 2x haxx0rbolt after 2x haxx0rbolt at the forgotten dark one himself, causing a vicious series of bright green explosions.

But when the smoke cleared a figure still stood there. Only it wasn't Baphomet. It was haxx0r gunman, only it wasn't. The real haxx0r gunman fired one last 2x haxx0rbolt at the doppleganger, and then suddenly woke up in a cold sweat.

He was in his life support, and it had all been a dream. The pain and heat were all gone, and he was alone once more. Relieved, haxx0r gunman returned to sleep once more.

He woke up early the next morning and pondered what he had dreamt. Surely this dream had to have some meaning, but what was it? haxx0r gunman could think of nothing, so he decided to head out and face the day as best he could. Before he could leave, though, there was a knock at his door. He opened it with caution.

Standing outside was a delivery boy holding a small brown package.

"Good morning, Mr. gunman, sir. UPX package for you!" The boy was bright and chipper, and haxx0r gunman had no reason to expect fowl play. But better to be safe than in haxx0r hell.

"Alright, boy, but just one question: what is your name?"

"Steve Baphomet, sir."

The boy and the package were instantly torn apart by a 2x haxx0rbolt fired at deathfully close range. haxx0r gunman smiled and shook his head.

"In your dreams."